Faith?

Today I was reading a friend's blog and it was all about Faith. The faith that is found of Jesus' followers in the first few chapters of Matthew. In chapter 8 he says to the disciples on the boat "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" I find myself in the midst of a storm in my life right now. And as I read that blog and picked up my Bible and began reading Matthew I wonder do I believe God can do all things? Do I have faith that can move mountains? During the midst of this storm, although my dependency for Christ has grown, at times my faith waivers. Its not about can God do all things, but will He. One of my biggest fears is that sure, God can give me whatever I want, but He won't. As I was reading through Matthew I stumbled on Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be open to you. For everyone who asks received; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks the door will be opened." As I read that verse I think Lord, I have been asking, I have sought you like never before, I have been pounding on the door....where are you? Are you even listening? Am I alone in this? Of course, I know what the Bible says, no I'm never alone, Christ is right here carrying me through this storm. But I will say this i sure don't feel it. I want to feel God's presence and love I truly do, but seems like everyday my world gets darker and darker, I feel more and more alone in these struggles. I am not just afraid I am terrified that the Lord will never hear me. Recently I have been spending a lot of time in the book of Psalms, they have become my prayers everyday. Psalms 28 & Psalms 31 are so powerful to me right now. As I walk the path each day takes me I struggle with the feelings of loneliness, and fear. Fear...why do I feel alienated? Why is this happening? Why does it seem never to let up, why does it seem the Lord is listening to everyone BUT me? I'm not saying that I lead a terrible life... I have a wonderful husband, supportive family, a fun job, a beautiful home... but isn't it funny that during the storms of your life that none of those can help the pure anguish you feel inside? I want so bad to just go back to 'normal' happy bubbly Cassie, but my heart won't allow that to happen. I frequently say Lord my heart is breaking, I don't thinkI can take anymore. I know God will never give me more then I can handle, but really? I feel as though I am free falling and just when I think I can't handle anymore the Lord takes it even further. My goal this week was to bless others some way, some how. I hope I have done that, even more so I was hoping that by blessing others I would cause my spirits to lift some. Have they, no, but I am glad I was able to bless someone else. Yesterday I received a card from my mom in the mail. It said "Life is out of Control... but God is in control!" and there was a verse on the inside that said "You are ruler over all; You hold strength and power in the palm of your hand..." 1 Chronicles 29:12 I read that verse over and over... asking myself do you believe that God is the ruler over my life? Do I believe He holds strength and power in the palm of His hand? My head says Yes, but my heart doubts because so much hurt, frustration, and utter devistation clouds my vision. Lord my prayer for today is that you will clear the vision of my heart, help me know and feel that you are in absolute control over EVERY aspect of my life, help me to trust you with everything I am, help me to feel your power. I praise you for all of the blessings in my life, forgive me for my struggles and my lack of faith, help me to honor you in my thoughts, actions, and words. I pray that I feel your love and comfort over this situation. I give you this burden to bare and I put my trust in you over this matter. AMEN